Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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