I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
