I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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