Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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