Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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