I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize