All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
