I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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