Im at strip club and am horny
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
