I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
