but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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