You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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