So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
