he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think pants incapable of making pants work
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
