My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
