i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
