i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
