Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
