Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
