So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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