maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
