I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
