Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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