Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
