so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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