oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My penis needs a shock collar
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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