i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
