You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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