i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
