i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish there were birth control emojis
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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