if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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