Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
