When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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