i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
