i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
