Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
