he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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