addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
