That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
