I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
