I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
