i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
