I wish my penis had an off switch
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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