so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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