My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Pooping to opera.
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