I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
