John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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