Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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