I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
