I faked an abortion last night.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
