my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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