Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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