It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
