I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
from now on my penis is your penis
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
