i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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