Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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