it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
