tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
