Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
