listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
