Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize