I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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