You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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