I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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