I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
