im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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