i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
