Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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