today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
They have beer where we have blood.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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