Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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