Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
